Welp, here I am. This is me at 40.
It's been a long, strange road my friends and I am so honored to have made it this far in my human experience.
If you're new to this blog, welcome. My name is Marliana Alisemon. Worldwide psychic medium, empath and energyworker, healer. And there are many reasons why I didn't think I'd make it to 40. #iykyk
I turned 40 way back in February! And I have been letting that integrate, sit with it and mull things over for a little while now. I feel like I can attempt to share now haha!
I hit 40! WOW!
What gets me about this, is even right now in this moment I still feel like I am in my 20's. Vibrant and full of life, good looks still kicking around haha! and so much wisdom. And it is just the beginning.
Trigger warning family. This is a shared experience and some of it is toxic and alarming.
Here are some experiences shared to shed some insight into my life leading up to 40. And I've lived a big life friends.
When I was in my mid 20's, I was raped by an older man who was good friends with whom I thought was a very good friend of mine. Well needless to say I lost my "good friend" because I went to the police and had forensics done. (I was so drunk, and I still to this day think I had something put in my drink, I woke up with blood where there shouldn't be) and the only memory I had of the end of the night was of this man driving me home. He parked right out front of my building and I was trying desperately to get out of the seatbelt and his vehicle. I remember him clearly forcing his hands on me and in my pants and I was yelling "STOP" (it didn't stop him by the way)
This happened just after I had moved in to this apartment.
I lived downtown Calgary Alberta at the time by myself. I had just gotten myself out of being homeless and found a one bedroom apartment in Bankview. It was run by an older Asian man, whom at first seemed very nice. (was also a psychic)
I quickly found out the neighbor beside me was a sex worker and the neighbor to the other side of me was a very loud Russian man who always played Russian music early Sunday mornings. I got to know my hard working neighbor a little bit through passing in the halls and she actually came to introduce herself... and warn me.
She came to me to warn me about the landlord (who by the way owned the entire building)
And at first, I thought "This isn't right, she's lost her damn mind" But as time went on, I saw what she saw.
She told me he breaks into her apartment regularly, steals her underwear. Even put a camera in there to spy on her. She also mentioned he is "handsy" (At that time I was in shock that I was living in this situation) this was all a very light hearted casual conversation on her side. On my side my walls were going up, I was in fear and so exhausted from living my entire life in fight or flight... I thought I had finally caught a break. And I sure did not.
As the weeks went by, I received first hand what my neighbor had said to me. I remember one night so vividly. I walked all the way home from work, dead on my feet after working a double shift at the liquor depot and as I was coming through the front doors, The landlords office door was open. He came out quite quickly, and started asking me questions. Out of nowhere he placed his hand on my breast and began playing with my nipple.
I froze like a deer in headlights. And the only thing going through my mind was "Be quiet he will finish and go away" (Talk about life long big T trauma around sex and men) The tears were quietly streaming down my face. And he did not care. We were in the front lobby and he was groping me. (I had a man I was seeing at the time, dump me because I was gross.. touched by an older man)
I got back up to my apartment (#205 ... there's a pic I drew in an earlier blog post) and I crumbled. How was it I was out of the frying pan and into the fire? How could I have left the most abusive and toxic situation, to be homeless, and still end up in this situation? I was extremely hard on myself for many years surrounding this, and looking back so were the very few people I had in my life.
As the days and months went on, my panties would go missing... I'd find my apartment door unlocked and things shuffled around. I didn't have a safe space... Anywhere.
I was already partying too much. That old adage of "If I'm numb I can't feel my feels" was serving me... For the moment. I was running from my so hard, so toxic and numbing past and my current situation. I'd come home late in the night and leave early morning. I put a slide lock on the inside of my door so at least while I was home, he couldn't come in.
This Landlord would let himself in whenever he chose. Claiming the heat had issues or the water system. None of which were true until I had no heat in the middle of winter and I had to call him up. I had my coats.... Yes I said it, coats on and zippered up he wasn't going to touch me again. I even had snow pants on. (This is what happens in fight or flight, fear and Trauma... we just.... survive, and make it by)
Thank God he came in, fixed it and left. It was everything to me that he didn't look at me, talk to me, nothing.
This went on for years as I was stuck working three jobs to make ends meet I had no time to think about moving, finding a place nor the funds to do it.
And then I met Craig.
Within 2 weeks of dating, he had put a brand new door knob on my apartment door and brand new locks that the landlord didn't have access to. I knew it was illegal, but I didn't care. I wanted my safety and piece of mind so desperately I asked Craig to do this for me.
The kicker? The landlord never said a word. Mind you... Looking at Craig, I wouldn't have said a word either haha!
Phew! There is a big shared experience for you. One of what seems like a million situations and scenarios throughout my life that constantly made me feel like I'd never see the other side, I'd never heal and grow and learn. How could I? When it was punch, after punch, after punch.
The punches did not stop coming for me until I finally decided enough was enough and I was going to start healing regardless of the situation I was in. I needed to. Through our car accident, through our TBI's and as a result our marriage difficulties, I have worked tirelessly to heal myself. Integrate my shadow self and let that shit go. It has been a whirlwind, and my onion still has many layers to be peeled and looked at on the spiral of spirituality and healing. But I am healed. And continuing to heal along the spiral on my journey, as I work with all of you guys! it is very symbiotic and loving ... immeasurable.
My physical body can't do what I did 5 years ago. My days of body building are long gone. That was a point in my life I'd felt so strong and brave, beautiful. No one was going to touch me, rape me or hurt me ever again.
Don't get me wrong I still feel this way one hundred percent. The tears come because I love myself in a way I have never allowed myself to love me. and the feelings of strong, brave and beautiful come from my heart, my soul.
By allowing myself the space to feel my feelings, and flow through my big and small T traumas I've offered myself a level of love and compassion I've never been offered by anyone before. And I am still strong and brave and beautiful. Just as a whole, and not because I have built muscles on my body. While I don't look like this anymore, I love me. every last bit of me.
I am coming into my 40th go around the sun with the most beautiful, bright outlook. I may still feel like a kid mentally (I think we all do) But I've done a world of growing up, showing up, healing and listening over the last decade or more. It hasn't always been easy my poor husband will tell you that haha! But it has been worth every step of my healing journey.
We had a beautiful celebration of my life in Radium, BC Canada. It was small and quiet. very loving and I got steak and many hot soaks in the Hot Springs! I couldn't have asked for anything more.
Thanks for joining me on my journey! I hope you enjoy my blog as much as I do.
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